Originally published on Medium.com Jan 16, 2020
I was talking with a friend who made a statement regarding the fact that he never wants to hurt anyone. How many of us share this sentiment?
Not wanting to be the source of someone’s pain.
Pain will enter our lives — but the suffering comes from within….
I’m talking about mental, emotional pain of course, not physical pain.
I was reflecting upon the conversation this morning when this thought came to me:
No one can hurt you. If you feel hurt, it’s because you are allowing that feeling in.
I could consider this thought as NEW, but it’s something I have followed for awhile. How long? At least 5 years.
It was five years ago in November that the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with decided he was leaving.
Did I hurt when he said he wanted a divorce? That our 29 years together was over?
YES!! — how could I not, phrased that way?!
Look at some of the facts:
~We were together for 29 years. I thought we would always be together.
~He left me for someone else.
~I would have to leave the house we raised our family in. (had to sell)
~I was losing my family unit.
~I was losing the identity I had of who I was — wife, homeowner, resident of my town, etc.
I have been on a spiritual journey (on and off) most of my life. At this point in time, it was ‘game on’ for me to step up to a deeper level.
My mantra was, “To find peace among the broken pieces”
So I looked again at the facts (above) and took another view…
Look at some of the facts:
~We were together for 29 years. Some great years, more recently not so great.
~I grew up with him (met him when I was 21). And I continued to grow, he did not and therefore we were growing apart.
~He left me for someone else, but mentally I left him much sooner. I was feeling stuck but felt I had to stay.
~He was brave enough to want something more, to not settle any longer.
~Our family home was too big and with our kids in their early 20’s, we would have ended up downsizing sooner than later.
~The family unit was ending, but the memories are always there. And our family unit was changing with my son looking to move out and my daughter in college. ~I wasn’t all those titles I held. And titles will come and go over the years and have. I discovered who I really am, which is a creation of God with a part of Him inside of me. THAT will never change. (Guess what, we all are :).
So as I have laid out, there are two ways of looking at things. We get to choose! If I chose to view it as my ex hurting me, he has power over me. I would stay stuck and struggle to rebuild my life.
By choosing to see that through the pain I was feeling, only I create the suffering, I have the power! I can freely move forward. There will still be moments of sadness, but they are just moments.
I choose to see what happened ultimately as a gift. A gift of my freedom and the hope for a better life for myself.
As Wayne Dyer once said, “Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.”
I see friends and even strangers continuing to live those vows made on the altar… til death do us part. Many unfortunately, are dead before they actually die…
My friend’s thoughts of not wanting to hurt anyone may actually help in the healing of someone who reads this article with an open mind and heart. Thank you my friend for the inspiration :).
Until next time ~
Be Well,
